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Pain
 

BY ALVERNE BALL

 
Cover image by Juan Carlos Martinez from Pixabay. Cover art by Gregory Hedgepeth.

Cover image by Juan Carlos Martinez from Pixabay. Cover art by Gregory Hedgepeth.

Pain was the name on the streets.

It was a name that carried with it enough power that the crooked Narco detectives out of the 13th precinct on Chicago Avenue didn't even attempt to pull Pain over and rob him for what he was worth (possibly millions) because they knew he was paid up to the right people; the kind of people who could force a cop into early retirement with half the pension.  Plus, it didn't hurt that he was backed by cold-blooded killers who could go out and make whole families disappear before returning home and fucking the living daylight out of their girlfriends as if it were nothing.

Pain was a name that warranted fear, and that fear churned deep down inside Dr. Jesse Crains’ stomach when the bone-colored SUV with its dark-tinted windows pulled up to the curb of his mother's two-flat brick home, which he had just recently sold, and the back door was thrown open wide like a Venus flytrap. "Ah yo, Doc, you comin’ or what?"  a voice said from the interior of the truck.

Jesse wiped his face clean of any perspiration that had formed on his brow. He was twenty-six, less then a year out of Howard, and he didn’t like the idea of being called Doctor; at least not yet. The title would start to take six months from now when a cute assistant by the name of Jessica Chan called him Doctor Crain in an almost sensual tone. It would be on that day he would know that the sins he had committed were ones he could carry to his grave without regret. It's now or never, he told himself as he stepped outside the fenced-in yard and shut the gate one last time to his mother's home. He stared up at the building, remembering all the times he and his best friend Bones had sat on the wooden front porch, dreaming of their time when they’d be the young lions running the streets, chasing tail.

"Ah, Doc, I ain’t got all day."

Right, right, get your head in the game, Jesse, he told himself as he released the gate and stepped over to the open truck.

Inside he found Gator, Pain’s right-hand man, sitting with a baseball cap dipped to the right over his dreads. He was a charcoal-colored man with a triple overbite. Gator smiled, showing his crooked incisors. "Hop on in," he said, patting the leather seat. Jesse stole a look at the driver, some piss-yellow light skinned kid no older than 18, then he slid in and closed the door behind him. "Damn, where the lab coat and all that Doctor Huxtable shit at?  You look like you from the streets," Gator said.

Good, thought Jesse. But instead he said, "Just because I'm a doctor doesn’t mean I have to dress like one. I grew up in these streets, too."  It had taken him at least an hour to pick out the jeans and button down shirt, something that would blend with the culture, but not enough to attract attention.

"Yeah, but you’ve been removed from these streets for some time now. They ain't what they used to be."

"I guess that's the evolution of all things."

"Evolution? Shit, Doc, things gone back to prehistoric times. Niggas shootin’ up niggas for no reason. Youngins ain’t honorin’ nobody. The only thing that’s still the same is Pain. We stayin' on top till the world blow. You feel me?''

"I feel you."

They showed each other love by shaking up, their fingers snapping as they parted hands. "Ah yo, Fin, get us up out of here. Let’s head to the spot." The teen shifted the truck into drive and they were off, speeding down the street into the night. "I know you saw some fine ass bitches when you was down there in college?" Gator asked, smirking, showing about ten teeth.

"A few."

"A few?  Nigga, I heard the stories about those country bitches with asses so fat you nut on one pump."

Jesse chuckled. "Yeah, there may have been a few of those down there, but I was more into my studies."

"So what you sayin'? You didn’t tap none of that country-bumpkin ass while you were down there?"

Jesse smiled. "Nah, I hit a few chicks… but you know, I had to keep my mind on my work."

"Okay, okay, I feel you. Business before pleasure. I can respect that."

"So, where we headed?" Jesse looked out the dark window at the growing silhouetted landscape.  Potholes littered the streets like mined-out craters. Whole blocks were either trash-filled vacant lots or dilapidated rat-and-roach-infested sanctums.

“To a party," Gator said, smiling. "Thought we should bless you back into the hood since this being your first night back." In actuality, it wasn't his first night back. He had been back almost a month. The first week was to bury his mother and the remaining three he spent his time making the rounds to the known hustlers, advertising his services, letting it be known that he was, as Kwon, a wannabe big timer, once said: "Cuttin' bricks of coke like slices of cake." The truck pulled up to the front of a club called The Pocket. Jesse recalled hearing that another big-timer by the name of Prince Paul owned it. "We're here," Gator said, "But before we head in, I need to check you."

"Check me? For what?"

Gator narrowed his eyes, putting on his killer stare as he grinned. "Come on, Doc, you know how this street thing go."

"I thought we were going to a party?"

"We are, but it's best I get this out of the way now than later, you feel me?''

What the hell, he had nothing to hide. He bent down on his knees and turned to face Gator. He raised his arms and waited for him to commence with the pat down. The two men locked eyes as Gator moved his hands up and down Jesse's torso. He dropped a hand down in between his legs and quickly felt up his crotch for a concealed weapon.

"Satisfied?" Jesse questioned.

"One more thing. Lift up your shirt." Jesse did as asked, but instead he unbuttoned his shirt revealing a green cross and bones tattoo over the left side of his chest. "We good," Gator smiled. “Time to meet up with the Pain."

They exited the truck leaving the kid at the wheel. At the entrance, two men wearing thick black puffy vests and baggy jeans met them. The men nodded to Gator and then threw open the door. The VIP section of the Pocket was lit with black lights. Each table at the twelve private booths were shaped like rackets with pool ball themed lights differentiating the table numbers. Caramel, vanilla, and chocolate complexioned women moved about the room serving drinks in scantly clad black-and-white uniforms while wearing green visors, as if they were bookies taking bets.

Gator led Jesse through a line of hustlers and gangsters seated around the room. Along the way a few hugs, some fist-pounding, and a lot of "love" was shared between Gator and his any-given-day rivals. At the end of the procession, far in the back, and flanked by two men with sharp murderous eyes, sat Pain.

Jesse ran his hands down the side of his jeans. His heart was pounding. After all these years of growing up and hearing Pain’s name run rampant through the streets, he was finally going to meet the man that was said to have cheated death more than Houdini; the same man who had escaped three indictments unscathed, because witnesses either went missing or changed their stories. The living legend that ran the streets for over a decade. Pain the Merciless.

Jesse, catching the guards glaring at his hands, stopped fidgeting and tried to remain calm, telling himself that Pain was just another test in his already test-filled life. Gator stepped up to the table first, giving Pain a warm embrace. Then he nodded, gesturing for Jesse to come over.

Pain stood at a mere five feet, maybe even five feet and one inch, but no taller. His eyes were small and his nose was large with round nostrils. His hair was cut low with waves that wrapped around his head. Adjoining each lobe of his ear was a two-carat diamond.

"This the doctor I’ve been telling you about," Gator said.

"You the doctor?  You the bricklayer?" Pain asked, more with his eyes than with his words. Bricklayer was the new word of the week. After Jesse had cut three keys of coke for Jamaican Tommy (who was now dead, killed by Gator's own hands, as it was said on the streets) without diminishing the potency of the product, his stock had since risen as one of those “chem-boys” that knew how to mix, cut and cook coke like Chef Boyardee.

Jesse nodded his acknowledgement of the epithet and took a seat.

"What are you drinkin'?" Gator asked, flagging down one of the waitresses.

"I don’t drink," Jesse said, afraid that if he took a drink now, he'd just throw it up.

"Yeah ... ummm," Gator said to the waitress. "Let me get two rum and Cokes… and a Sprite for the good doctor." The waitress fluttered her eyes at the word “doctor.” She held Jesse's whole being in her captivating stare. He faked a cough to break her spell. He had to keep his head on straight.

As the waitress turned to walk away, he thought about his ex-girlfriend Tanisha and how he had told her over the phone that they were over, mere hours after burying his mother. When she asked "why?" through broken sobs, all he could say was that he didn’t want her to get caught up in what he was doing. When she asked specifically what that was, he hung up.

"You like what you see?" Pain asked, not looking directly at Jesse. He was too busy scanning the room, looking for an unknown assassin.

Jesse sat back against the cool cushion of the booth. "She's cute, but not my type."

"Your type?" Gator said. "My only type is pussy - no matter what color it is."

The two guards laughed.

"So what’s your type?" Pain asked, this time turning to look at him.

"I don’t really know. I just know that she’s not my type."

"Why's that? Is it because she works in this club or because she’s dressed like a ho? Just because she dressed like one doesn't mean she’s a ho. You one of those uppity educated niggas who tend to look down on black women and his own race, huh?"

"No, not at all. I love black women. Actually, I love all women, but if you really want to know, she’s a little too tall for my taste. I like 'em short and thick."

"That's cool. As long as you ain’t on that gay shit, I don’t really care what your type is." The waitress returned with drinks, fluttering her eyes once more in Jesse's direction, but he didn’t bite. He had a job to do. "So I hear you from the hood," Pain said to Jesse after they had been sitting for a bit. "How come I ain’t never seen you?"

"I’ve been away at school," Jesse replied matter-of-factly.

Pain may not have known of Jesse's existence, but Jesse grew up watching Pain run their hood. Pain was who everyone wanted to be. He could remember nights when he and Bones would stay up talking and dreaming of the day they'd  be like Pain. For it was Pain who threw the nastiest block club parties. It was Pain who gave out turkeys on Thanksgiving and Christmas presents to little kids whose drug addicted parents (also Pain's customers) couldn’t afford to buy them gifts. It was Pain who drove the newest model car or truck a year before it hit the streets. It was Pain who went through and shot up his rival’s block, killed No Thumbs Larry, but damn, some shorty on the basketball court got hit with a stray. And it was Pain who held the block down with cocaine and marijuana when there was a drought throughout the city. Kept every hustler working and his family eating; that was better than government aid, wasn’t it?

"School, huh? So if you went to school what'cha doin’ back in the hood? That education didn’t get you a job at one of those big white corporations?"

Jesse bit back a smile. Pain was no one’s fool. "What can I say, I got too much debt and not enough money."

"So you decided to hit these streets. But you know it's dangerous out here for a freelancer. This game will chew you up and spit you out. You sure you’re ready for something like this?” Pain took a sip of his drink. He surveyed the club, taking in every individual, dividing the different posses by their street affiliations. To their left were five members of the Four Corner Hustlers street gang passing a bottle of Moet between them. Across from the 4's was a group of six Gangster Disciples drinking on a number of libations.

"I wouldn't be here if I wasn’t sure," Jessie finally said, calculating that the two rivals created a high probability of an incident occurring. "Are we going to get down to business or what?"

Gator looked to Pain and then looked away. That's when Jesse realized he had made a fatal error. Pain carried the power, so they would conduct business whenever he was ready and not before then. "Gator, you check this fool?" Pain asked.

"Yeah, I checked'em. He's clean."

"Check'em again."

"What? Now? Right here?"

"Yeah, right here!"

Gator sighed. "You heard the man, stand yo ass up."

Jesse did as told. Gator went through the routine of patting him down once more; proving to Pain that the good doctor wasn’t a snitch. "Aight, so you clean. That don’t mean shit. Give me one good reason why I should work with you?"

Jesse knew that the question wasn’t pointed directly at the quality of his work, because that was speaking for itself. Why else would he have an audience with Pain? No, the question was more, why should I let you live? And Jesse had only one answer. "Because I have my own lab."

"Yeah?" Pain said, taking a sip of his drink. "Your own lab, huh?" Jesse could see the gleam in Pain’s eyes. There was no mistaking it. A lab opened up the doors to ecstasy production, marijuana growing, and if careful, maybe even meth for those college kids every year that came into the city with eyes wide open. Hell, a lab introduced the possibility of the word limitless. "Gator tells me that this is your first night back in the hood. How about we enjoy it a little longer and then we can talk business."

"Sounds good to me," Gator said, flagging the waitress back to their table.

Jesse didn't want to party. He just wanted to do the business and be done, but Pain was calling the shots so party it was. The waitress, whose name was Kimberly, or Kim for short, or KK as her friends nicknamed her, had been sitting at Pain’s table for nearly an hour. If she was working, no one cared. Within that time, Gator had stepped off to hit the dance floor, which he seemed to be good at, if you considered he had a woman on each arm, and Pain had ventured to the back to speak to the proprietor, Prince Paul, about some business. Five minutes earlier, the waitress had laid a hand on Jesse's knee, and now her hand was slowly progressing up his leg as she talked about how cool it must be to be a doctor.

"So do you, like, operate on people?" she had asked, even though he had told her he was a chemist and not a surgeon.

"No!"  he yelled over the loud music, determined to make her understand. “I work with different types of chemicals to create things. Like weapons!" Not that he really worked on chemical weapons, but it was the best example he thought she’d understand.

"Oh, wow!" her eyes went wide. "So you’re like some type of rocket scientist."

"Yes,” he agreed, hoping that would get her to shut up.

Whatever Kim’s mouth wasn’t saying, her hands were speaking for her. She walked her fingers up along Jesse's leg until finally resting her hand in his crotch. She nudged herself closer and whispered into his ear. "You like that, Rocket man?"

"I don’t have time for this," he mumbled.

“Time is on our side tonight, baby." She cupped his penis and scrotum and gently squeezed. Jesse took a large gulp of his watered down beverage and then closed his eyes. He could see Tanisha, could feel her awakening his manhood with every stroke, and finally he reached out and took hold of her, tasting her sweet and sour lips. He was lost in her embrace when it dawned on him that these were not Tanisha's lips; hers were long gone, like his mother. He pushed the waitress away and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "What's wrong?" She looked at him as though she were a small child hurt by his actions.

He didn’t say a word. He stood up, a bit dizzy, and stepped away from the table. Out on the dance floor, he bumped and squeezed his way in between individuals, doing his best not to step on anyone's white Air Force Ones as that could lead to a life-or-death situation. He found Gator dry humping some woman’s butt as she twirled and switched it from side-to-side. If he didn’t know better, he would have thought the two were fucking on the dance floor. It wouldn’t have been the first time an incident such as this had occurred in The Pocket.

"Gator," he tapped the man on the shoulder. "Are we going to do some business or what?"

Gator, still mesmerized by the woman's ass, said from over his shoulder. "When Pain is ready." He went back to dancing.

Jesse turned and fumbled back through the crowd. He eyed the waitress still sitting at the table, sipping on some leftover drinks, waiting for him to return, but he didn't. Instead, he turned and headed for the restroom. The black and white tile inside the facilities was an abstract painting with no clear design, at least by Jesse's perception as he stared up at the ceiling trying to rearrange the pieces into a shape.

"You been poppin' too many of them pills, boy?" The old timer stationed at the sink handing out paper towels grinned, showing nothing but three teeth in the bottom of his mouth.

"What?" Jesse asked, stumbling to the sink.

"Yeah, I know you youngins need to pop'em just to feel alive," he continued, not budging from his stool. Jesse pushed down on the faucet and then shoved his hands under the cold water. He splashed his face twice then looked at himself in the mirror. His pupils were dilated. He looked as if he had just broken out in a cold sweat. He sloshed his face with water once more. "If you lookin’ to drown yourself, you’re going about it all wrong." The old timer laughed.

Jesse turned and looked at the man. He reminded him of one of his older cousins that he had somehow grown up calling uncle for some unapparent reason. He turned back to the mirror and did his best to steady his now shaking hands. What the hell was wrong with him? He hadn’t drank any liquor, and yet he felt that, if he didn’t concentrate on being on solid ground, he might float right up out of this place. The waitress. It had to be her. But why? Had Pain planned to betray him, or even worse… kill him?  He wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he needed air. After pushing his way through the growing crowd, Jesse stumbled out into the night. It was humid and he leaned against an exterior wall to balance himself.  The two doormen he had seen earlier at the entrance eyed him and smiled.

He turned away; leaning and brushing his head against the cool bricks of the building as the world whirled around him. He closed his eyes for a second in order to make it stop. "Get control of yourself," he said aloud as he stumbled out of the parking lot and into an adjacent alley. The stench of a rat's rotting carcass pulled at his nose hairs. He leaned against a dumpster with arms outstretched and thought to himself. So this is how it's going to go down? Killed by Pain in a fucking alley.

He stared down at the cracked concrete and focused.  Beneath the fragmented black tar were cobblestones from a century or two ago. He thought about his mother; how she had worked so hard to see him off to college. He remembered how proud she looked when she held his degree and read his name out loud. "You're the first," she had said. “The first in this family, and the first in this neighborhood, to do it in a long time."

He started crying. Remembering that he wasn’t supposed to be the first; that he and Bones were supposed to do it together. To be the firsts as they had planned. But “bullets don't have no names on them,” he had heard someone say, either before or after Bones' funeral. It was that message that had set everything into motion; from him going to college, to graduating with top honors, to securing a job as a chemist back east. But then his mother died from cancer and he was transported back to his neighborhood, back to the streets he had grown up in.

It was on the day of her funeral, while standing on the front porch of his home, that he spotted Pain, Gator and a few others he had known from around the way standing outside a corner liquor store, joking and drinking. He had watched them for close to an hour before he went off to bury his mother. As the gravediggers lowered her into the ground, all he kept hearing were the words: bullets don't have no names on them. And by the time the dirt hit her casket, he had remembered his promise to Bones: he wouldn't forget where he had come from in order to get to where he had to go.

Jesse shoved three fingers down his throat and damn near touched his tonsils before he regurgitated the contents of his stomach all over the dumpster and alley. Pink chunks of food and slimy bile seeped in-between the cracks and down into the cobblestones. He wasn’t sure if the forced-vomiting would relieve him of whatever drug the waitress had slipped him, because they seemed to be already working through his system, but he had a promise to keep and he had worked too damn hard to attain his street cred as an efficient cooker.

"Yo, Doc, you good?" he heard Gator ask at his back.

"Yeah, I'm good." He stood upright and took a deep breath.

"Cool, ‘cause Pain ready to do business.”

The black Benz, with its bulletproof glass and reinforced steel doors, was known on the streets as Pain's tank. No one knew exactly what it cost, but ask anyone and they’d tell you that it at least cost a nice grip. At the wheel was Gator, while Jesse and Pain rode in the back.

"He was all throwing up and shit," Gator said.

Pain chuckled. "Got you a taste of KK, huh?"

"I guess I did," Jesse replied, before he brought the bottled water to his lips and suckled down some liquid.

Pain nodded his head. "Before we go into business, I need to see the lab. I need to know you can break down more than what you did for Jamaican Tommy, you feel me?"

"I feel you." Jesse knew the risk of showing a potential employer his main lab. If it was deemed up to par, any wannabe hustler could smoke him on sight and take all he owned. But he was hoping that Pain could see the potential in him being alive. At least until they saw the lab.

"We need to head north towards the beverage factories out past Lake Street," Jesse said to Gator, who turned the car down a one-way street and headed north.

"Why put the lab in the beverage district?"  Pain wanted to know.

"Because it’s remote enough that no one’s going to ask questions about who's coming and going. Plus, the transportation of various chemicals isn’t being scrutinized by the cops as much as if I had setup shop somewhere else."

"I like the way you think." Pain nodded his approval. "If you can do what you say, then we’ll be like two peas in a pod."

"Trust me. When you see what I can do, you’re going to be speechless."

"As long as the product is good and the money's flowing, you won’t hear a word from me."

It was a bit past 12:00 a.m. when they pulled up to the two-story brick warehouse, which sat alone on a street that had once been populated with factories but were now abandoned lots.

Jesse had rented it from the owner, a Mr. Hassad, who didn’t give a damn about what he did with the place as long as he continued to pay cash.

"This the place?'' Gator asked, peering through the windshield, searching the abandoned street for other vehicles.

"Yeah, this the lab. Told you it was obscure."

"Check it out," Pain commanded.

Gator stepped out of car and removed a pistol from his waistband.  He walked around the building, making note of the Pepsi delivery trucks parked a block over in the distribution facility.

He came back to the car and ducked his head in. "It's clean," he said, opening the passenger side door while holding the pistol down by his side.

Pain turned and looked at Jesse. "If this is a setup, you’ll be the first to go."

Jesse nodded without a word and exited the car. They all walked towards the entrance before Jesse stopped and pulled a pair of blue latex gloves from his back pocket.

"What's those for?" Pain asked.

"Just preparing. I'm going to be handling some evil shit in there. Better to be safe, right?"

"Yeah, if you say so… you know more about this chemical shit than I do."

Jesse removed a thick chain and padlock from around the handles before pushing the thick wooden door wide open. The interior smelled of mold and ammonia. He led them down a semi-lit hall with Pain behind him and Gator in tow, covering Pain's ass. They came to a steel door when Jesse stopped. "I know yaw don’t yet trust me, so Pain how about you grab the door? That way Gator can keep the gun on me. I just want to reassure yaw that I'm on the up-and-up."

Pain pushed him to the side and reached for the door. When he pressed his thumb down on the latch, he quickly pulled back his hand. ''Fuck!" he yelled, shaking his injured thumb.

"What's wrong?" Gator asked, raising his pistol.

"Pricked my thumb on the door." He kicked the steel frame and an echo resounded throughout the hall.

"Hell, I thought something was wrong." Gator laughed. He was probably the only man that could laugh at Pain’s expense and live to tell about it.

"I forgot how tough these old doors can be," Jesse amused. "Let me get that for you."  He stepped over to the door and fumbled with the latch. When he finally opened it, the scent of formaldehyde, gasoline, and a chemical that left a metallic taste in the air greeted the three men. He flicked on a light near the door and the room was filled with a bright whiteness that half-blinded them. "Welcome to my lab."

The laboratory was a mixture of beakers, test tubes, Bunsen burners, and dark-colored jugs covered with skull-and-bone labels. Two ten-foot tables had been erected in the corner where a large electronic scale sat ready to weigh product. In another corner sat four steel barrels with the word ETHER painted in bright yellow letters along their bodies.

"This looks nice, but can you cook?" Pain inquired.

Jesse smiled. "I thought you’d never ask." He moved over to a four-foot wooden chopping block that sat in the middle of the room and bent down behind it.

"Slowly, Doc," Gator cautioned, raising the pistol and taking aim.

"Relax, Gator, just grabbing a little something that was given to me for a job well done." He rose slowly, making sure to keep eye contact with Gator as he laid an eight ball of blow down on the table.

"What's that?" Pain stepped back, creating a distance.

"Something from the last batch that I cooked up for Jamaican Tommy.  You said you wanted to know if I threw down in the kitchen… well now you get to sample it for yourself."

"Nah, not me," Pain said. "Gator, check that shit out, but only a taste."

Gator handed Pain the gun. He had heard that Jamaican Tommy's dope was that pure shit, but he hadn’t had a chance to sample it since they sold the confiscated bricks to some South Side player who paid $70,000, almost twice the going rate per key. Jesse unwrapped the dope from its Saran Wrap covering and cut a thin line with a discarded playing card. Gator smiled, showing his double grin, which so many men had seen before their deaths, then bent down to the chopping block. Suppressing a nostril, he inhaled the line in one snort. "Whoa!" He let out, squeezing and chaffing his nose a few times. "That's some good shit."

"Yeah, how good?" Pain asked, watching Gator try to shake off the effects of the super high.

"Better than what we’ve got on the streets right now."

Jesse stood back and marveled at Gator's admiration of his product. "See, right out of your own man’s mouth. And that was just a sample, now imagine what I could do for your product."

"Yeah, imagine,” Pain rubbed his chin.

"Ah yo, Doc, where your bathroom? My nose is beginning to burn a little. I think I snorted too fast."

"Straight out the door and two doors down the hall on your left."

Pain grabbed Gator by the arm. "Don't be too long in there, we got things to do."

"Cool," Gator replied before heading out the door.

"You know, Doc, if we go into business, you're going to have to move shop."

"Oh, and why’s that?"  Jesse bent down behind the chopping board to put away the eight ball.

"Because this place isn't secure, and if you're  going to work for me, you have to work under my conditions. I don't trust nobody."

“Funny you should say that, because I don’t trust anyone either," Jesse said from behind the chopping block.

"Then, I guess we’re going to have problems, huh?" Pain walked over and rested the gun on the chopping block.

Jesse looked up and saw the slant of the barrel pointed towards him. He then turned his attention from the gun and looked up into Pain's eyes. "I don’t think there's a need to have problems," he said.

"Good, because I don’t like to have problems with people I work with."

Jesse smiled as he stood up and leaned on the chopping block. He made sure to keep eye contact with Pain. "You know you don’t have to try and intimidate me. I would have worked with you anyway. Actually, I've been dying to work with you for a long time."

"Yeah, why’s that?"

"Because you’re Pain and you run these streets."

Pain smiled. "Well you know how that is... when I come through, I bring the Pain."

“That's what I’ve been told." Jesse pushed himself away from the chopping block and walked over to the barrels of ether.

"First thing tomorrow, Doc, I'm going to have Gator move you to a more secure location. And then we gon' get down to moving these bricks. Where’s he at anyway? Yo, Gator! I told you not to be taking all day!"

"He most likely can’t hear you." Jesse rocked one of the barrels from side-to-side.

"And why’s that? What the hell you doin' anyway?"

"The reason Gator can’t hear you is because he's dead." Jesse tipped over the barrel. The boooong sound bounced off the walls as the ether went flowing freely onto the floor.

"Muthafucka, you gon’ try and set me up!” Pain went to lift the pistol, but for some odd reason, his arm wouldn’t move. "What the hell?"

"Can't move your arm?"  Jesse asked, tipping over another barrel.

"What the hell did you do to me?''  Pain barked.

‘‘I’d say the suxamethonium chloride is starting to work its way through your bloodstream quite well."

"Sux-a-what?"

"Suxamethonium chloride.  It's a neuromuscular blocker that, once introduced to the bloodstream, causes short-­term paralysis throughout the body."

"When did you…" Pain lost his train of thought. The answer to his question had now formed on the tip of his tongue. "The door. That wasn't just some broken latch."

"Correct," Jesse said from over his shoulder as he wrestled with yet another barrel. "It was a disposable needle with a concentrated dose of succinylcholine."

Pain tried to lift his other hand to grab for the pistol, but his knees buckled and he fell to the floor. He could feel the ether slowly seeping into the fabric of his jeans; it danced along the edges of his fingertips, but he couldn't move. "So what’cha want, money? Killing me won’t getchu it." Jesse didn’t answer as he popped the small cork on the last barrel and tipped it over. "You think you’re hard enough to take over this game? Niggas will eat you up the first time they see you on deck. You need someone like me if you’re trying to come into this game and make a name for yourself." Jesse paused as if giving Pain’s words some consideration. But in actuality, the fume from the ether made him think of Tanisha for some odd reason. "So what’s it going to be?" Pain could feel his jaw starting to tighten. Jesse didn’t answer as he walked over to Pain. He stood over the man, looking down into his eyes. "Nigga do you know who I am? People saw us together, which means my people are going to come looking for you."

“Then let them come!" Tears were flowing down Jesse's cheek. "And yeah, I know who you are; you’re Pain. You and Gator shot up a block gunning for No Thumbs Larry, and in the process, you killed my best friend."

"What?"

"We were just playing ball, and then, you snatched him from me."

Pain wanted to say he was sorry, but his jaw wouldn’t move and all he could hum was Hm horry, hm horry.

Jesse removed the lighter from his pocket and flicked it. The flame jumped to life and wavered like a dancing hula girl. "This is for all the pain you’ve caused me." He watched Pain’s pupil’s grow wide as he dropped the lighter. He didn’t stay to see where it landed, but he was sure it would find the ether either way.

At the door, he turned and took one last look at Pain as the blue flames swept up his legs, towards his torso. Out in the hall, he stepped over Gator's lifeless body and continued towards the exit. He thought he might have heard the hum of Pain screaming, but he wasn’t sure.

Outside, he took a deep breath, and when he exhaled, he began to weep. Behind him, the warehouse was quickly burning and the smell of charred wood was already circumventing the atmosphere. He walked off into the night, feeling relieved he had kept his promise. He no longer had to remember where he had come from because it was all burning behind him. All he had to do was to look forward and know that he was headed for a place where there would be no more pain.


Alverne Ball has a M.F.A in Fiction writing from Columbia College Chicago.

Mr. Ball is the recipient of the 2019 Tin House Graphic Novelist Fellowship. He is the 2018 Chi-Teen Lit Festival graphic novel speaker. He is also the recipient of the 2014 and 2015 Glyph Rising Star award for his writing on 133art’s OneNation and OneNation: Old Druids. In 2009 Mr. Ball became the recipient of the first-ever Luminarts Graphic Novel Writing Award. He has also received Three Weisman Scholarships from Columbia College Chicago for his other graphic works. Mr. Ball has also created and written an online comic series, When we were Kings and Zulu, both published by popular entertainment website, Afropunk.com. He is the author of the crime thriller, Only The Holy Remain, published by Vital Narrative Press.

His writing has been published in the literary magazine Annalemma, in Columbia College newspaper The Chronicle, online at Brokenfrontier.com, online for the Museum of contemporary Photography in Chicago, online for Comicbookresources.com, and an online graphic story for the literary magazine, Hypertextmag.com. His short stories of suspense have appeared in the Sin anthology by Avendia Press, Criminal Class Review as well as the online magazine, the heatedforest.com.

The Key to Manifesting The Life You Desire
 

BY DANIELLE ELAINE

 

What is your spiritual background? 

I was born into a Christian family. I come from a long line of preachers and ministers. 

 

Do you view writing as a kind of spiritual practice?

Writing is absolutely a form of spiritual practice, because creative energy is the most powerful energy we have. I believe all art forms are a method of spiritual practice because what manifests comes from an ethereal place. Yet, somehow, we all find a piece of ourselves in others art, writing, music, etc. Creating is cathartic - it offers a healing release of things that need to be purged, or things that need to be birthed. 

Image by Zoltan Matuska from Pixabay

Image by Zoltan Matuska from Pixabay

 

What spiritual disciplines do you connect with most?

I don't know if there is a specific discipline I could name. As I've been working with my ancestors more and digging deeper into my lineage, I've discovered there are many things that resonate with the ways that feel most comfortable in expressing and building my connection with The Creator and my “tribe on the other side.” From Reiki, Herbalism, some hoodoo and shamanism, I ask for guidance and do what feels right. 

 

What experiences have most shaped your spiritual life?

I would say my spiritual life has been consciously shaped by the hardships I’ve faced. Being homeless, hopeless and broke, and seeing others living with supposed ease. It made me say, “Ok, I know better is out there and it's possible, but why isn't it happening for me?” That question led me to seek God on a deeper level, because I figured there was obviously something I was missing, and I needed to fine-tune my antennas to better navigate life. 

 

How can we deepen our connection to spirituality?

The best way to deepen your connection to spirituality is daily prayer and meditation. Daily prayer and meditation are going to help you connect with your own inner voice and intuition to create a clearer channel between you and your Creator. You will also be able to build a more authentic connection with yourself, which will allow you to release social constructs that you've been conditioned with. Once you release these things, you will be able to live more authentically and freely. 

 

What can I do or learn right now to aid my spiritual growth, evolution, and development?

Meditation, meditation, meditation. Knowing yourself, your desires, your dreams, likes and dislikes outside of social conditioning and the need for social validation will free you in ways you wouldn't imagine. When you know yourself and your inner self, you can sharpen your discernment. And when you're discerning, you can save yourself from a lot of inner and outer low-vibrational influence. 

 

How would you help someone with my manifesting?

Some of my recommendations regarding manifesting would be to use your creative energy or sexual energy. Within yourself or with a partner, you can set an intention, and then masturbate while holding that intention, until you climax and release the energy. The key to manifestation is incorporating all five senses into your desire. What does it look like? What does it feel, smell, sound and taste like? The more detailed you can be, the better. When your desire is in alignment with what you say, do, feel and think, you can clearly draw it into your reality. However, if you are confused or sending mixed signals, then you will get just that. 

 
The key to manifestation is incorporating all five senses into your desire. What does it look like? What does it feel, smell, sound and taste like? The more detailed you can be, the better.
— Danielle Elaine
 

What do you do when you feel scared or overwhelmed by spiritual guidance?

I do not fear the spiritual realm, because I know and trust that I am always protected and that things are always working for my greatest good in all ways. However, journaling, downloads, taking baths, grounding practices and meditation help me work things out when I am feeling overwhelmed by spiritual guidance. I am very honest in my spiritual practice with my team and I speak to them in prayer and aloud throughout the day the same way I would anyone else. 

 

How would you handle a situation where you’re growing spiritually, but your friend or partner isn’t?

This can be tricky, because all things work in divine time and order. And in some cases, one partner might be on the path of evolution and ascension and can act as a catalyst for the other person to begin their journey. However, if one is growing and shedding and becoming their highest and best self, naturally the relationship will become uncomfortable for each person, because they are no longer aligned with one another. When you find yourself out of alignment with people, places and things, it is always best to move on from them willingly before spirit forces you. 

 

How do you know if you’re hearing the truth in meditation or If it’s just your own ego speaking to you?

Discernment takes practice. I always recommend beginners start with affirmations they can repeat to focus their mind. It's hard to describe, but eventually, you just know. And in those moments you are questioning yourself, ask for more clarity or a more concrete answer. A lot of the questioning and second guessing we subject ourselves to is rooted in feeling that we are not worthy or deserving of the things desire. Once you kill that lie - the voice telling you that you're not good enough or that good things can't happen to you - you will begin to see and feel a change. 

 

How can a person strengthen and develop their intuitive gifts?

Intuitive gifts can be strengthened through meditation and prayer daily, of course. Getting more acquainted with your inner self, but also in those moments you hear last minute advice, practice taking it. Think about the times when you're about to walk out the door and something tells you to grab an umbrella, but you choose not to because you checked the weather and it said nothing about rain. But then you leave and it rains while you’re out. Those are the moments your intuition - your higher knowing - is speaking to you, trying to help you navigate life. Just listen. Silence your mind, silence logic and reason, and just trust it. 

Image by Cindy Lever from Pixabay

Image by Cindy Lever from Pixabay

 

Is suffering a necessary part of the human condition?

I don’t believe so. I think it is a condition we have been convinced is necessary, because we have been socialized to think that good things are only earned or “deserved” through strenuous effort and labor, especially melanated people. I believe that life has its highs and lows. However, the lows do not have to be seen or felt as catastrophic occurrences if we shift our perspectives, free ourselves from social constructs, and listen the first time The Creator and Our Tribe on the Other Side tells us something. 

 

Does hardship make a person stronger? If so, under what conditions and at what point is it too much hardship? If not, what makes a person stronger?

I do not think hardship making one stronger is a concrete concept in itself. I think that yes, it can make one stronger at times, if someone is able to be subjective and learn from their mistakes, take accountability and responsibility for their actions. I do not think there are any set conditions or a one-size-fits-all situations though, because we all have different thresholds of endurance. I do believe overall that one's will is the only thing that can truly shape their strength. What are you willing to overcome? What are you willing to work for? What are you willing to change and let go of to become who you want to be? What are you willing to do or sacrifice to get where you want to go?

 

What is the best way for a person to attain happiness?

The best way for someone to attain happiness is to decide they want to be happy.  Once you make the choice, you just have to fine tune each moment in your reality to fit what you’ve decided happiness is to you. Get detailed and specific about what your version of happiness is, down to the people, experiences, places and be sure to include all your five senses as you design your new happy reality. Once you've got that mapped out, denounce and stay away from everything that doesn't look like the world you've created. 

Image by Jackson David from Pixabay

Image by Jackson David from Pixabay

 

From what or whom do you draw the strength to endure a difficult situation?

I would have to say myself and the God within. I’ve been through a lot, so I know that hard times come again - it's only for a time and will not last. I also know that I am not alone through hard times and that everything is only for my greatest and highest good. I am not the type to focus on the problem, but a solution. Sometimes, the solution is taking my hands off the wheel and trusting that I am taken care of always in all ways. 

 

What is something you consider to be a great personal success? Why was it so significant?

I never stop to think about my accomplishments, so it's hard to say. There is nothing in particular that stands out right now. I think a part of that is that my goals are constantly changing. I've just always set a goal, reached it and moved on to the next thing. 

 

What is the key to maintaining balance in your life?

The key to maintaining balance in my life is mom breaks. Taking time just for me and absolutely keeping a schedule, writing things down and having a general routine. 

 

Can we ever believe someone when they say their intentions are different from their actions? 

I think this best assessed case by case, because there are instances where people genuinely have trouble communicating and interacting with others, so their intentions may be lost in translation. However, if what someone says is consistently misaligned with what they do, and you've tried to communicate with them to no avail, do not subject yourself to the confusion any longer. 

 

Where does your self-worth come from?

My self-worth comes from my connection to the ethers. Knowing I am an ancient cosmic being, a child of The Creator. In those human moments where I begin to compare or get social media envy, I remind myself about the things I truly value and want outside of social optics, perceptions and validation. 

 

If you could teach the entire world just one concept, what would it be?

Probably to just mind your business. When you focus on becoming your greatest and highest self, that increase in your frequency reverberates and changes those around you. Yes, step in to save an elderly person or speak up when you see an injustice. However, there is no reason to pass judgement on anyone for doing something you don't agree with. What you give your energy and attention to multiplies, so focus on yourself. 

Image by Gino Crescoli from Pixabay

Image by Gino Crescoli from Pixabay

 

What do you feel most grateful for in your life ?

I am most grateful for my growth and healing. The changes I have made within have profoundly impacted my family and I'm grateful for the ability to directly affect and curate my reality as I desire.


Hailing from New Jersey, Danielle Elaine is prolific writer with a love affair for words. She is a self-published author of the book, Love Letters I Never Sent. Although she specializes in a wide range of poetry, she has gained experience writing for print and online publications such as KONTROL and KONTROL Girl Magazine, MommyNoire, MadameNoire and more. On a quest to pursue a passionate and purpose driven life, Danielle found herself on a journey of self-healing.

Through her rediscovery of crystals, she found herself following universal breadcrumbs to spiritual evolution, energetic growth and healing. Today, Danielle takes comfort in a fluid existence. As a Mother, creator, healer, vessel, she happily greets each day using the spiritual guidance and tools imparted to her. As a healer, and vessel she only seeks to show others, especially women and children, how easily they can free themselves from social shackles weighing down their physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies.

Life Lessons I Learned the Hard Way
 

BY DANIELLE ELAINE

 

What do you consider to be two major turning points in your life?

Two major turning points in my life would be leaving NJ to attend undergrad at CAU and the birth of my daughter. It was pivotal being immersed in Black southern culture after a lifetime of suburban living. My time in Atlanta definitely helped lay the foundation for who I am today. Secondly, becoming a mother was the catalyst that sparked my journey as a published writer and freelance blogger for major print and online publications. Becoming a mother also was the catalyst that initiated my healing journey and led me to reiki and spiritualism. 

Image by AsiaEmerlle from Pixabay

Image by AsiaEmerlle from Pixabay

 

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Everything. When I was in high school, I moved in with my dad to attend a performing arts school in Brooklyn. I wanted to leave one weekend to visit friends and family, but he said if I left I couldn't come back, so I tested him. I regret that. 

 

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Unwavering discipline and dedication. I would have accomplished so much more by now if I wasn't so easily swayed by my own thoughts, fears and insecurities. 

 

Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

Yes. I haven't done it yet because I haven't had the room or space to pursue it - but I know when the time comes, it will manifest. 

 

If you knew that you would die suddenly in exactly one year, would you change anything about the way you are now living and why?

Yes, I would stop paying bills, sell everything and spend my time traveling and pouring out everything i have to leave behind. 

Image by Masashi Wakui from Pixabay

Image by Masashi Wakui from Pixabay

 

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone and why haven’t you told that individual yet?

I wish I had something romantic to say and someone to say it to, but I don't. I think in working on my throat chakra and overall healing, I have said all I needed to say, so I wouldn't leave earth wishing I said more. 

 

What one thing would you give up to become a better writer?

I'm set on my end goal and I would give up anything to get there in order to become a better writer. 

 

Favorite book when you were a kid?

My favorite books when I was a kid were Oh no Otis and Messy Bessey's Garden, and even though I was scared of it, Rumplestiltskin. I would have my mom and Granny read these to me every day and night. 

 

What did you want to be when you grew up?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a writer, singer, actress, artist and a rapper. I'm good at being an actress, and rapper at this point, HA!

 

What was your dream job when you were younger?

Y'all are going to judge, but I don't care. The only “job” I really dreamed about having was being a stripper. My logic then (which I still think is completely sound) is that everyone loves strippers and they have tons of money. Had I not been fearful of others; opinions, I would have definitely tried it. 

 

What’s for dinner tonight? What would you rather be eating?

Tonight, we are having spinach ravioli for dinner - but i wish it was curry veggies and roti.

 

What’s your favorite food?

This is so hard to answer, because I love all food. Soul food, Caribbean food and Italian food being my top three categories. 

 

What is the best part of your day?

The morning. I love the way the sun pours into my home and showers my plant babies. I love that scene. Second, is laying cuddled up with my daughter watching a movie that I always end up falling asleep to. 

 

If you could choose three people to invite for a dinner party, who would they be and why?

If I could choose three people to invite to a dinner party, I would choose D Smoke, Mia Ray and The Vogue Lawyer. I think these three would be a great time and conversation. They are all extremely intelligent and talented individuals that I truly admire. I know I'd leave full of knowledge and wisdom after a conversation over dinner with these phenomenal people. I can only imagine the range of topics that would be discussed. 

 

Share something your readers wouldn’t know about you.

I am Jamaican, but I’ve never been. I've always wanted to go, and when I finally booked a trip, I ended up getting invited for an interview, and got into a car accident on the way. I was so frustrated and frazzled that I decided not to go, and now, I regret not going. 

 

If there could only be one season a year, what would you want it be?

One season a year is ideal and my choice would be summer. I hate being cold, even though my birthday is in the winter. I prefer tropical climates so much that I intend to move to a tropical country one day.

 

If you had to describe yourself in three words, what would they be?

Funny, introspective and perceptive. 

 

If you could cure a disease, what would it be?

If I could cure a disease, it would be capitalism. This colonial concept has destroyed humanity and significantly diminished our experience on earth, at least for those of us that do not have disposable income. 

 

If you could choose celebrity parents, who would you choose?

I would definitely choose Beyonce and Jay-Z or Rihanna. I think Rihanna would be a cool mom, she's always seemed fun and down to earth, and has proven to be very business smart. I would choose Beyonce, because of the level of access she's been able to build from her work ethic for her children. With that kind of access and their resources, the possibilities are endless. 

Shemazing

Shemazing

 

What life lesson did you learn the hard way?

I think I’ve taken the hard road my whole life, intentionally and unintentionally. Due to my upbringing, I never felt like asking for help was okay, which led me to taking the long road to the finish line in a lot of ways. Also, until recently, communicating in any way was very difficult for me, because growing up expressing myself was always met negatively and I grew to assimilate it with confrontation, which I'd formerly avoided at all costs. Now, I'm confident in myself and my feelings and my throat chakra is balanced, so I speak up when necessary.


Hailing from New Jersey, Danielle Elaine is prolific writer with a love affair for words. She is a self-published author of the book, Love Letters I Never Sent. Although she specializes in a wide range of poetry, she has gained experience writing for print and online publications such as KONTROL and KONTROL Girl Magazine, MommyNoire, MadameNoire and more. On a quest to pursue a passionate and purpose driven life, Danielle found herself on a journey of self-healing.

Through her rediscovery of crystals, she found herself following universal breadcrumbs to spiritual evolution, energetic growth and healing. Today, Danielle takes comfort in a fluid existence. As a Mother, creator, healer, vessel, she happily greets each day using the spiritual guidance and tools imparted to her. As a healer, and vessel she only seeks to show others, especially women and children, how easily they can free themselves from social shackles weighing down their physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies.

Orgasms in the Office
 

BY Q. VERGARA

 

I get paid to play with my pussy, but I’m not a sex worker.

Image by RJA1988 from Pixabay

Image by RJA1988 from Pixabay

I remember reading an article years ago about this woman who found out one of her male coworkers would rub one out on his lunch. I was naive and APPALLED. So I kept reading. She said their company had private bathrooms so it wasn’t like he was being obscene and taking his one-eyed monster out in the middle of lunch. She had only figured out due to the closeness of their relationship and how he divulged he performed better (at his job… get your mind outta the gutter!). She was curious, so she decided to test the theory. The article goes on to document her experience as she decides to rubs one out in her car to see if it’s all it’s cracked up to be.

I remember thinking it would be a neat experience, but the thought ended there as I can be quite the chicken shit, and not even in my fantasies was I rubbing one out at work. I fucking hate that place.

Granted, I grew up with an extremely modest upbringing, so sex was something I naturally shied away from, although curiosity kept me at a stone’s throw. I lived most of my formative years in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia in a shroud of modesty. Of course that altered the way I perceived sex, my body, and adult relationships. I wouldn’t say it single-handedly impacted the way I viewed these things, but it framed my thoughts. I viewed these things through this weird lens of ‘I’m a Free American woman,’ but I dare not be promiscuous, have multiple partners or… even masturbate. I wasn’t even on the debate team out of fear of being a master debater.

Image by RJA1988 from Pixabay

Image by RJA1988 from Pixabay

But I digress.

I was just unbearably shy about sex, and even though I would wear a plunge top and many men assumed I was well versed sexually, I was actually a virgin well into my twenties (or maybe they knew I was a virgin and preyed on me… but that’s a conversation for another time). I didn’t understand why everyone was so sex driven especially in a place that emphasizes guilt on half the people that engage in it (read: women). People seemed to use sex as a driving force and have it be the momentum for their decisions and in some cases the fuel to justify their actions. For a country that’s so sex-focused, we surely try to cover it up by making women feel guilty for our bodies and needs.

Years pass, I have a boyfriend that has lived with me for like ten years now, and because we have a kid, there’s undisputable proof that he’s cummed all up in my guts. I’ve been in America for over 15 years and I’ve grown acclimated to how to navigate sex and relationships. And with the #MeToo movement and the awareness on slut-shaming, I feel sexually empowered now more than ever before. I’m comfortable in my skin and even have some sex toys of my own. I’m an upper case Q now.

I don’t know what exactly happened, but one particularly stressful day, I was like ya know what? Since my work station is in my bedroom, I can take my fifteen-minute break and see what happens. I went into the bathroom and it was almost as if I was playing coy with my vibrator like even admitting I had every intention to practically electrocute my clit, was too forward and I couldn’t even admit it to the silence in the room. After I was finally able to even convince myself, I pulled down my panties and placed them to the side. I put on some music and grabbed my vibrator. I tried to relax as I heard the notifications chime in the next room.

Masturbation offers so many great benefits from relaxing to releasing endorphins to reducing stress - all of which I experience from a highly demanding job. But if diddling yourself at work was common place to reduce stress, wouldn’t more people be doing it? It just didn’t seem like enough reason to justify it.

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay

When Jeffrey Toobin rubbed one out during a Zoom meeting during the pandemic in front of everyone, the conversation of masturbation at work took the spotlight. I heard many people saying there’s a time and a place and that he shouldn’t be doing that at work. I disagree - he just shouldn’t have been doing it while on a call in front of his computer. As the ultimate stress relief, why not empower employees to truly relax? Perhaps that would be a weird benefit. “Unlimited sick time and wack-off rooms!” But I think we’re missing a much more important conversation about taking the salaciousness out of masturbation and looking at it from a pure health perspective.

Psychology Today reports nearly 40 percent of people masturbate at work, but it’s unclear how accurate that number is due to people generally not wanting to divulge that type of intimate information. And understandably so, considering the repercussions could be termination. Surely, no one wants to be in HR having that conversation or explaining to the next employer why you were so suddenly let go. Side note: future employers, please hire me - I’m not a deviant!

And of course, there’s a time and place for everything. Obviously, you shouldn’t Jeffrey Toobin a Zoom meeting. But if you’re able to remove yourself from the computer, and truly have some privacy, why not go for it?

Image by Robin Higgins from Pixabay

Image by Robin Higgins from Pixabay

American social norms are peculiar. I felt like work was this ultimate facade of pretending in that people who felt too much were always deemed unstable or emotional. It was like at work if you weren’t stifling your true emotions then you weren’t doing it right.

I pressed the head of my body wand into my vulva and tried to relax. A thrill shot up my spine making me more wet than I would have normally been on a Tuesday afternoon. It didn’t take too many vibrating laps before my muscles released euphoria and my body spasmed. Then my alarm went off. I had a minute to clock back in. The calmness of release and excitement of doing something ultimately taboo filled me with a sensual allure.

When I returned to work, no one had any idea what had happened. How could they? I felt light, like I was floating. A smile plastered on my face from ear to ear and no one was the wiser. It felt good to recalibrate myself in the middle of the work day and return as if I had just meditated.

Image by Tayeb MEZAHDIA from Pixabay

Image by Tayeb MEZAHDIA from Pixabay

Surely I’m not saying no matter your job, play acoustic pussy or dick with no remorse for social conduct, but I am saying that sometimes creative and taboo solutions can have an advantageous outcome for you, you may not have previously explored.

Two Major Reasons Why a Big Ego is Necessary for Creative Success
 

BY DANIELLE ELAINE

 

What is your writing kryptonite?

I would have to say discipline and social media. I cannot sit still for too long, and I often pick up my phone and head straight to socials and get lost there way longer than I should. 

internet-3113279_1920.jpg
 

Do you believe that a big ego helps or hurts writers?

I think a big ego is necessary for all creatives. It is necessary to fuel the drive to publish our work. If we do not believe in our work, if we do not have the confidence to share and showcase our work, then what's the point?

 

What other authors are you friends with, and how do they help you become a better writer?

I hope I'm not forgetting anyone, but I don't think I have any author friends. 

 

If you could tell your younger writing self anything, what would it be?

Start sooner. Write more, read more and look to publish your work sooner. Do not give into the fear of others’ perceptions and live out loud. Now. 

 

What does literary success look like to you?

Becoming a multi-time New York Times bestselling author with all my books in the homes of my favorite creatives and completely living off royalties from writing. Being financially stable and worry-free, able to live outside of the U.S. and write from a remote, tropical location. 

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How did publishing your first book change your process of writing?

Publishing my first book opened me up to working with others, seeking outside editors and feedback to make sure my projects are perfect before they release. I was so used to being hyperindependent previously, but now I am open to asking for help when and where its needed and not rushing the process so much. 

 

What advice would you give a new writer just starting out?

Just write! Don't think about everythingjust get it out of your head and down on paper. Worry about the fine details and following the writing rules after. That's what the editing process is for. I would also say don't be scared of change. And also that it's okay to take a step away and come back with fresh eyes. Remember that writing is art and you can create as you see fit. There is something out there for everyone, so just pour out your gift in your own way. 

 

When did you first consider yourself a writer?

I have always considered myself a writer. It was initially my only form of communication. As I got older and read more, eventually, the desire began to share my words with the world. 

 

What is the most difficult part about writing?

The most difficult part about writing for me is the actual act of sitting there and writing. I cannot sit still and work on one thing for too long. The task begins to feel tedious and I have to take a million breaks. I would prefer to make my mind up about writing fifty pages, so I’m just being able to sit and get it done with a laser focus. 

 

[A big ego] is necessary to fuel the drive to publish our work. If we do not believe in our work, if we do not have the confidence to share and showcase our work, then what’s the point?
— Danielle Elaine

 

What is your favorite and least favorite part of the publishing journey?

Simultaneously, my favorite and least favorite part of the publishing journey is working with others. The lack of control is frustrating, because things aren't getting done in my desired time or as fast as I'd like. However, I love it because working with others has allowed me to elevate my work, which is important to me. I want to pour out the best I have to give in everything that I do.

 

Have you always wanted to be a writer?

Yes, I have always wanted to be a writer. I actually published my first book in 1995. I vaguely remember it being a class project that our teacher put together. I also remember getting a typewriter I wanted for Christmas, and sitting in front of the TV, watching a Michael Jackson interview and fake typing on it as if I were a reporter. I had a list of things I wanted to be, and writer was at the top of my list, and so far it's what has stuck.

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What is the most difficult part of your artistic process?

The most difficult part of my artistic process is the discipline to keep working through those moments or feelings of stagnation. As a creative, I realized I'm always searching for this particular frequency rather than just being present and doing the work. 

 

What famous author do you wish would be your mentor?

I wish Octavia Butler, James Baldwin and Tomi Adeyemi could be my mentors. I think these are phenomenal writers with powerful, poignant and timeless work. 

 

What do you like to do when you are not writing?

Listening to music. I love it and I look forward to adding it to my resume of accomplishments as a writer at some point. Besides music, it's definitely reading books and tending to my plants. 

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Does writing energize or exhaust you?

Writing energizes me, because it's cathartic. It gives me an opportunity to pour out the things I've consciously or unconsciously locked away. When I'm fully engaged with my creativity, it makes me feel alive and offers a freedom I get high on. 

 

If you had to do something differently as a child or teenager to become a better writer as an adult, what would you do?

I would read more, even though I actually read A LOT as a kid. I would ride my bike to the library in the summer and check out books daily. At some point, I lost that and I wish I hadn't. I would’ve also started a blog as a teenager and put myself out there more as far as contests, open mics and poetry slams. 

 

How many unpublished and half-finished books do you have?

Too many! I have a novel, a script and two or three more books of poetry marinating. 


Hailing from New Jersey, Danielle Elaine is prolific writer with a love affair for words. She is a self-published author of the book, Love Letters I Never Sent. Although she specializes in a wide range of poetry, she has gained experience writing for print and online publications such as KONTROL and KONTROL Girl Magazine, MommyNoire, MadameNoire and more. On a quest to pursue a passionate and purpose driven life, Danielle found herself on a journey of self-healing.

Through her rediscovery of crystals, she found herself following universal breadcrumbs to spiritual evolution, energetic growth and healing. Today, Danielle takes comfort in a fluid existence. As a Mother, creator, healer, vessel, she happily greets each day using the spiritual guidance and tools imparted to her. As a healer, and vessel she only seeks to show others, especially women and children, how easily they can free themselves from social shackles weighing down their physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies.

Danielle Elaine Reveals the Highlight of Her Book of Affirmations
 

BY DANIELLE ELAINE

 

What is the key theme or message of your book?

The key theme is healing and inspiration. I want people to read this and find the courage to dig for diamonds within themselves and their lives. Find the silver lining in their circumstances and follow it through to their purpose. 

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What is the significance of the title, SCRIPTURES OF GOLD?

I come from a religious Christian background, and the title signifies the importance, and the weight of the words within. Just like holy texts are memorized and canonized in our lives guiding and inspiring us to live and do better, I want my book to be held in the same regard - the only difference is there is no fear-mongering, shaming, and conformity requirements.

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Do you write while listening to music? If so, what music inspired or accompanied this current book?

I do sometimes write while listening to music, and when I do it is usually something soothing or songs i do not know, so that I do not get distracted by singing along.

 

You also write fiction—was the process different for a book of affirmations and what challenges did you face writing it?

Yes, I would say the process was different in that I have to tap into a different space for affirmations. This book is meant to open the door to healing, so while I wrote it, I tapped into the collective consciousness to feel what was needed. These words are to spark hope and optimism and ambition and confidence from within. 

 

What was the highlight of creating this book?

The highlight of creating this book was speaking to my inner child. I was writing to help heal others, and healed myself at the same time. When I thought of the concept for this book, it was for melanated children to find hope and light in this often cruel world. But I realized that these are things people of color of all ages and walks of life need as well. 

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Are you working on anything at the moment you would like to share with your readers?

I am currently building out a podcast, available on all platforms. Lucy’s Apothecary x Healing Corner offers meditations that can be used while awake or sleeping. I am also working with The Sunshine Project Kid, which is a platform for conscious parenting, offering tools and resources such as children's meditations and affirmations. Lastly, my fiction novel A Minister’s Child should be completed by the end of the year. The novel is loosely based on my life and it's full of drama, suspense, and poetic scenes, which are my favorite. I'm really looking forward to finally releasing it. 

 

Tell us about your first published book. What was the journey like?

My first published book, Love Letters I Never Sent, was a compilation of poetry I had written throughout my teenage years and early twenties. Being a published author is something I have always wanted, and when I was in the midst of a deep depression and pregnant, thinking about what kind of mom I wanted to be, I had a revelation: I thought about not having the familial support behind my dreams, no one invested in me via writing classes, workshops or extracurriculars. I didn't want that for my daughter. I wanted her to know she could be or do anything she chose. With that, I realized I needed to have proof of what I was saying - how could I tell her to follow her dreams, when I had not? I needed to have something to show for what I would be preaching and that was the catalyst that got me to publish my first book. 

 

Where do you get your inspiration?

I draw inspiration from myself mostly. Myself and my life. I find I write what I need, or need to get through different circumstances. I also find inspiration in other art forms like music or paintings. I have a poem I wrote about hands that was inspired by my former barber. It talks about the creative process and the duality of the strength and softness in his hands. It's one of my favorite pieces. 

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You’ve written fiction and now a book of affirmations. Do you have a preference?

I think poetry will always be my first love because it's like short, powerful stories. You get meaning bites and imagery in just a few lines, and I love that. It doesn't take much to make an impact with a poem. 

 

Is it easier for you to write one over the other?

It is definitely easier to write poetry or affirmations over fiction because fiction takes more detail and structure and nuance to writing rules. I'm a writer, but I do not honor the strict requirements of the writing profession. I just know words and how to appropriately pair them to create magic. 

 

What are you reading now?

I'm currently reading Nothing Down by Robert G. Allen, a book on investing in real estate without putting your own money up. I'm trying my hand at real estate until I hit NY Times Best Sellers and Oprah's Book Club.


Hailing from New Jersey, Danielle Elaine is prolific writer with a love affair for words. She is a self-published author of the book, Love Letters I Never Sent. Although she specializes in a wide range of poetry, she has gained experience writing for print and online publications such as KONTROL and KONTROL Girl Magazine, MommyNoire, MadameNoire and more. On a quest to pursue a passionate and purpose driven life, Danielle found herself on a journey of self-healing.

Through her rediscovery of crystals, she found herself following universal breadcrumbs to spiritual evolution, energetic growth and healing. Today, Danielle takes comfort in a fluid existence. As a Mother, creator, healer, vessel, she happily greets each day using the spiritual guidance and tools imparted to her. As a healer, and vessel she only seeks to show others, especially women and children, how easily they can free themselves from social shackles weighing down their physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies.

Release Day Set for Danielle Elaine's First Book of Affirmations

The long-awaited Vital Narrative debut from Danielle Elaine finally has a release date.

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Her book of affirmations will officially release on Tuesday, August 31st. Read the description below.

On a quest to pursue a more passionate and purpose-driven life, Danielle found herself on a journey of self-healing. Through her rediscovery of crystals, she followed a set of universal breadcrumbs to embrace healing, spiritual evolution and energetic growth.

As a mother, creator, healer and vessel, she takes comfort in a fluid existence, happily greeting each day using the guidance and tools imparted to her.

Through SCRIPTURES OF GOLD, Danielle Elaine seeks to show others—especially women and children—how easily they can free themselves from the social shackles weighing down their physical, emotional and spiritual bodies.

Scriptures Of Gold is now available for pre-order.

Release Day for Alverne's Ball Sequel to Crime Fiction Saga Announced

The follow-up to 2016’s Only The Holy Remain finally has a release date.

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Ball’s second novel will officially release on Tuesday, October 12th. Read the book description below.

In the sequel to 2016’s ONLY THE HOLY REMAIN, Detective Frank Calhoun springs back into action after a social worker and a rookie police officer are murdered in Chicago’s East Garfield Park.

Flanked by his new partner Fred Lions, while also battling remnants of his father’s recent conviction, Frank chases down clues across the city as he begins to assemble pieces of the case. With mounting pressure from his girlfriend Gloria, as well as the Assistant State’s Attorney striving to make a career off the case’s headlines, Frank must keep his head on straight as he attempts to find the killer and navigate the pitfalls of the blue religion.

Blue Religion is now available for pre-order.

The Official Soundtrack for 'Scriptures Of Gold'
 

BY DANIELLE ELAINE

 

I am super excited to share this compilation with you! The soundtrack to Scriptures of Gold was made with you in mind. Each song was chosen to specifically increase your reading pleasure, and create the perfect ambiance. If you come across a song while reading, I urge you to please play the song—it makes the experience  that much better, I promise you. This track list will take you through a series of emotions, and memories as you make your way through these notes, poems and prose assisting you in your shedding process. Just like the book you can revisit these tracks at any time as growth and evolution have no final destination, but are an revolving experience.

 

Jhene AIko  — “Frequency”

I’ve always likened this song to a prayer. I chose this song because it’s the perfect piece to set the tone for the entire work, not just Scriptures of Gold, but the inner healing work you’ve committed to do. This song is a prayer of release, and protection, and an affirmation of love, and that is what this book is all about.
 

Oshun — “Solar Plexus”

I chose Solar plexus because this is, in my opinion, one of the most important chakras. The solar plexus is all about letting your inner light shine, having the confidence to be your authentic self, set boundaries and feeling safe existing as you choose to. This song is another feel good anthem, to uplift your spirit and affirm your healing.
 

Ariana Grande — “MONOPOLY” (feat. Victoria Monét)

I chose this song because it’s an anthem. Monopoly is a song you play to remind yourself who you are, and what you’ve got to look forward to. Its a feel good song. This is a “talk your shit” type of song, dance in the mirror, turn it up in the car, or your room and know that your end goal is closer than you think.
 

D. Smoke — “Black Habits”

Literally anything D. Smoke is always a vibe, for this instance i chose Black Habits because looking at the cover of Scriptures of Gold feels how this song sounds, powerful, luxurious, audacious, and proud. These are all the attributes that I pray you cultivate within yourself as you move through the pages of my words. “Everything you are, better believe you all that”, starve that fear, and self doubt and start believing in the good things about you.
 

Tank & Da Bangas “Interlude (God Push Me)”

This interlude is short, but powerful. It speaks to the moment you find yourself in right now. The last 6 months of circumstances that brought you to your knees, made you cry out to The Creator, hands stretched knowing, and pleading that this wasn’t it for you. That it COULDN’T be it for you. This interlude is also a prayer, asking for the strength to get through, to keep going. Just like Scriptures of Gold it’s a gentle reminder that not only can you create a whole new life, follow your dreams, and heal but you are REQUIRED to do so.
 

Listen to the playlist below or simply click the link.


Hailing from New Jersey, Danielle Elaine is prolific writer with a love affair for words. She is a self-published author of the book, Love Letters I Never Sent. Although she specializes in a wide range of poetry, she has gained experience writing for print and online publications such as KONTROL and KONTROL Girl Magazine, MommyNoire, MadameNoire and more. On a quest to pursue a passionate and purpose driven life, Danielle found herself on a journey of self-healing.

Through her rediscovery of crystals, she found herself following universal breadcrumbs to spiritual evolution, energetic growth and healing. Today, Danielle takes comfort in a fluid existence. As a Mother, creator, healer, vessel, she happily greets each day using the spiritual guidance and tools imparted to her. As a healer, and vessel she only seeks to show others, especially women and children, how easily they can free themselves from social shackles weighing down their physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies.

An Interview with Chi Chavanu Àse
 

BY GREGORY HEDGEPETH

 

Through her Chi The Woke Ratchet platform, which has almost 15,000 followers on Facebook, I’ve been a big fan of Chi’s for a couple years now. When I found out she was working on a book—a science fiction book at that—I couldn’t wait to hear the details. 

Luckily, we were able to connect through a friend of mine (another huge fan of hers) who mentioned Vital Narrative Press when Chi mentioned that she was looking for a Black publishing company to release her first book. When we first discussed the premise over the phone, I was completely blown away and couldn’t wait to put my eyes on it—and once I finally got the chance, it was even better than she initially let on. Within a few months, we were blessed (no pun intended) with the opportunity to publish Journey To Ghana and Other Stories and I am truly honored that she trusted me to help bring it to fruition. As far as the book itself, Chi included so many fascinating characters and captivating elements in these stories with six thought-provoking protagonists who each bring a different component to the overall narrative in a reimagined, post-apocalyptic world.

I got the opportunity to ask her a few questions that dig a little deeper into the book itself as well as some of the thought processes behind each story.


Tell me a little about your book and the world you've created.

Journey To Ghana and Other Stories focuses on the end of the world from a Black experience. To add to this, there are meta humans and monsters who are also trying to survive the end of the world.

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What books, films and TV shows most inform the aesthetic of this book?

I would have to say Octavia E. Butler’s Wild Seed and her Xenogenesis trilogy—but really all of her works.

First edition cover with cover art by John Cayea

First edition cover with cover art by John Cayea

How was the narrative conceptualized? Did it start with an image, a voice, a dilemma or something else?

I was taking an evening walk and passed a white woman who was dressed in all black. My first thought was “what if she was a witch?” That’s how my first story “The Healer” began. “Journey to Ghana” had been swirling around in my head for awhile, I just hadn’t started the actual writing process yet.

How did you develop the settings for this story?

I more or so had themes, and chose settings off those themes. Most of the actual settings were places that meant something to me... like my hometown of Sacramento, CA.

What was the strangest thing you had to do to create this story?

This is an interesting question, because I have to explain how “odd” my thought process is. For example, you might see someone with a bump on their head and think it’s just a bump. I see the same bump and think “This is the beginning of their transition. Soon their body will be covered in spikes.”

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Who are your main characters and give us a few details about what makes them tick.

Each story has a Black woman or girl as the lead. “Journey to Ghana” is told by a 12-year-old girl named Mawusi. She is not like other 12-year-olds, because she has never gotten the opportunity to be a kid. Her entire life has been spent fighting and surviving.

Cover design by MALICIOUZ

Cover design by MALICIOUZ

Which character was the most challenging to create and why?

Most of the characters had an element of my personality, but the two who were furthest from my personality were Mawusi and Compton. Mawusi was difficult, because I was writing from the perspective of a 12-year-old. Compton was difficult, because I was writing from the perspective of someone who had experienced 100 years of depression. It was intense.

Which scene or chapter in the book is your favorite and why?
This is a tough question, because there were so many. If I had to choose one, it would be “LaKiera Jones” and her character reconciling with her transition. She went through so many emotions and still figured things out.

Which scene was most difficult to write and why?

”Belly,” by far, was the most difficult story as a whole. It gave me so much anxiety that I had to leave it alone for over a month and come back to it. It could not be rushed and it forced me to pull from my imagination in ways I did not know I could.

Which scene, character or plotline changed the most from the first draft to the published book?

I’m not sure if “changed” is the most accurate word, but a lot of the characters evolved for sure.

What do you hope readers will take away from this story?

That science fiction is a genre Black people belong in. Our ancestors wrote conceptually about science and religion, and had stories passed down that would align with our views on science fiction. The amount of creativity inside of us is astounding—we just need to write it down.

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Which character are you least likely to get along with?

I’m good with the main characters, but characters like Jakoob would annoy the hell out of me for sure!

What would the main character in your book have to say about you?

This is a funny question, because I have a few main characters. I think in “Journey to Ghana,” I would definitely be seen as an elder or a storyteller.


Chi Chavanu Àse is a science-fiction/fantasy author who was first introduced to sci-fi by her mother at an early age. Often sent to her room for misbehaving, she would curl up in a blanket with one of her mother’s books which subsequently ignited the spark that would fuel her love for literature. She initially began writing and performing poetry at the age of twelve. Over time, she began to notice how difficult it was to find books that she could associate or identify with the characters, given the lack of representation. Thus, it became her greatest desire that little Black children would see themselves represented in every genre, especially sci-fi. Her first book, Journey to Ghana and Other Stories, focuses entirely on the Black experience. Likewise, it is her desire to continue writing stories and producing literary work that Black people can see themselves represented in. Chi currently resides in California with her fine-ass husband and amazing children.